"The Mother Survival Mode"

I swear all I do is worry about my kids, especially Laynie. I think every mother worries and even has night mares about something terrible happening to her children. I really think it is a mother's biggest fear. I don't like it that I worry about her when I leave. If I missed a call while I am out, my mind immediately turns to something horrible. I worry about her when I go to sleep. I worry about her breathing during the night. I know life isn't fair, but I feel it is not fair that I have that worry. I feel like I should worry about her climbing out of her crib at this age, instead of being able to breathe throughout the night.

Laynie gave us a scare last night. When she woke up this morning I hugged her a little harder and a lot longer!!! Her nurse came and woke me up at 2:30am and said the high-pressure alarm on her ventilator wouldn't stop going off and her PIP was really high. This means that the air that the ventilator is trying to push into her lungs has some sort of resistance. It could mean that she is coughing, the tubing is kinked, or her airway is blocked. She was not coughing and the tubing was not kinked, so I decided to suction her. She was really dry so I added a few drops of saline to her trach and tried to suction a tiny bit deeper and the suction catheter wouldn't budge. I woke her up to try to get her to cough and continued doing this. I was pushing as hard as I could to get the catheter down her trach and nothing would budge. She had a really dry mucous plug. By this time she was having a hard time breathing and was barely getting any air through at all. She was trying to cough but couldn't get the air through. We changed her trach and continued the saline and suctioning and eventually she started to cough things up and was able to breathe again. We had one more trach change and then she was finally back to breathing normal. I got out her old humidifyer and put it on her for awhile to try to get her as moist as possible. I have been worried that she has been too dry ever since she has been using the ventilator. I'm not sure what to do because she wears a HME (little portable humidifier) all day long and has a humidifier on the ventilator. Good thing she has an appointment tomorrow with the trach/vent team. It couldn't come at a better time. This is my biggest fear with her. I worry about mucous plugs because I know how dangerous they can be.

After she was fine and back to normal, I went back to bed. I just laid there and cried and prayed. I couldn't stop thinking of how horrible it is to have such frightening feelings and worries flash through your mind about your child. I was also so thankful to have such a wonderful nurse for Laynie. I am thankful that I am able to have the knowledge to know what to do in an emergency. I am grateful that my body was able to kick into "The Mother Survival Mode" to help my daughter when she needed it so badly. Sometimes I just wish she had some sort of other problems instead of airway problems. There is nothing more stressful and worry-some than an airway. But on the other hand, she is healthy right now and growing and thriving. I couldn't be more blessed to have such a wonderful little girl as my daughter:) I thank Heavenly Father daily that I get to be her mom!!!