In high school I signed up to be an aide in the special needs classroom for one of my classes. I have always been interested in special needs kids, because my uncle David is handicap and I just love him to pieces and he is the coolest guy I know! On the first day of class I was so sad. I watched all these kids in wheelchairs, drooling, not able to talk, or doing uncontrollable things and it made me so sad for them. I felt so bad for them that I couldn't stand watching them suffer. I remember leaving and having tears in my eyes, and I went straight to the office to change my schedule. I always felt bad for doing that, but I couldn't handle how sad it made me feel.
Now I have watched my own daughter suffer. I didn't have the choice (nor would I take the choice) to "change my schedule" and not be there for her. I have watched her get poked probably 50 times, held her down as they stick scopes down her nose and into her airway to look at her vocal cords, watched her go through many, many surgeries, watch her gag and vomit almost after every feeding, watch her not respond when I make an extremely loud noise, watch her fight as I clean and change her trach, and many more uncomfortable procedures, etc... It is not easy to watch your child suffer, but I can't even begin to explain how much I have learned from this.
I have learned to have a greater appreciation and understanding of the Atonement. I have learned to enjoy and celebrate the little things! I have learned that I am a different mom and person than I was a year ago. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that Heavenly Father trusts me enough to give me certain challenges at only 25 years old. I have learned life lessons that will help me throughout the rest of my life. I realize I wouldn't have the same perspective on life and motherhood if I didn't have Laynie. My life is different than I ever thought it would be, but I am happy and that is all that matters! I have learned that even though my daughter has a hard life, someone always has it much worse. I have learned to be thankful for life and not take even one day for granted. I have learned to be positive, because it makes you feel a lot better. For any problem in life, I try to only let myself complain for a few minutes and then I start to count my blessings (one by one). It helps! It is amazing what special children can teach you! I have learned not to look away from someone that is different. I used to to think, Oh, I don't want them to think I am staring at them, so I will look away. Then, I would stare at them when they weren't looking, only because I was curious. I have learned to look at them in their eyes and smile and talk to them like any other person. I love it when people ask me about Laynie and talk to her! I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I would be. I remember writing about when we first learned that Laynie was going to be born with a cleft lip {here} and I thought there is no way I can do this and put my baby through surgery. At that time, I had no idea what was really in store for her and what I would have to watch my baby endure. I have learned that I am strong and I can do hard things!
If I would have stayed in that class in high school, I am positive I would have learned to love the kids and I am sure they would have taught me some wonderful things! I am so grateful for what this little girl has taught me. Our family would not be the same without her. I thank Heavenly Father every day that He trusted me to be her mom!
2 comments:
I know EXACTLY how you feel and share your gratitude. Andi has made me such a better person, and I am so thankful for her.
I relate to your past and present feelings so much. Someone once told me after finding out about Sierra's condition that I will be standing in a familiar setting like shopping at the mall or talking to friends at church - doing things I use to do and I'll just feel different and out of place. It would feel uncomfortable sometimes because now I am different. I've changed and I'm not the same person I was before. It's so true. I use to go to the mall and notice clothes and how cute people were dressed. I now go to the mall and notice "special needs" people everywhere. My world has changed -- and I never want to go back. My life is so much richer with our Sierra.
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